Was my faith built on sinking sand?
A curious + compassionate confession.
I’m not trying to get stuck in shame-filled self-reflection, but if I’m honest, this question has plagued me as our family walked through such a difficult 2024:
Was my faith not ready?
Ok, hold on - first, Happy New Year!
My podcast is back from hiatus this week, and it’s a vulnerable episode in which I dive into these categories regarding 2024: What Worked, What Didn’t, and What Comes Next. You can listen to that episode here, but today, I wanted to expound on this question of faith that I bring up in the podcast.
Pre-2024, I’d been leading churches alongside my husband for the last two decades, studying the Word since I was 15, abiding in His presence, and even… walking through countless trials with His help — like every other believer.
But something about the back-to-back nature of our 2024 struggles, grief, and private pain, seeing my husband struggle and our entire family being so engrossed in heartache - I found myself flat on my back, faith-wise.
I kept using the phrase, “I can’t get my head above water,” all year. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what the Lord was doing or saying to us. When every prayer seemingly went unanswered, when every circumstance in our life seemed to be in conflict, I had such a hard time trusting Him.
I still worshipped, often through tears. I still often begrudgingly found myself asking Him for help, but this question continually lingered in the back of my mind:
Was my faith built on sinking sand?
Jesus said this in Matthew 7: Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.
In this week’s podcast episode, I share my husband’s compassionate and gentle response to my questions about my faith, but I also share this piece of fruit that has encouraged my heart:
On the darkest and most bleak days, when I really began to doubt if God was good or for us or even real, I found myself talking to God about my doubt of God.
And if that isn’t evidence of some faith - I’m not sure what is.
I don’t feel like I’m still in the worst pit or the darkest days anymore, and I’m exceedingly grateful for that.
But I’ll take this tool with me and shout it from the rooftops for anyone who is: talk to God about your faith (or lack thereof). Talk to Him about your doubts. Because doubt, distrust, and even anger expressed to Him is still intimacy. And it will bring a harvest of healing, even if your circumstances don’t change.
Let’s live fully awake,
Jess
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Hi Jess! I really just have to thank you so so much for sharing even part of your grief journey as it has brought me so much comfort as I process the recent and sudden loss of my younger brother this past December (2024). It’s been so incredibly challenging + heartbreaking and your words, thoughts, etc. have been so helpful. This quote: “On the darkest and most bleak days, when I really began to doubt if God was good or for us or even real, I found myself talking to God about my doubt of God. And if that isn’t evidence of some faith - I’m not sure what is.” It resonated with me SO much. I’m absolutely bringing all of my mess, hurt, doubt + anger to Him and I know that’s exactly what He would want. 🤍
Amen! I related to that! My Dad was paralyzed when I was 5. I've walked through many heartaches, trials, tragedy, and just some tough stuff...all with faith God is who he says he is. Then in May 2022 my 18 year old cousin took her own life & Oct 2023 my Grandma (who lived alone) died and I found her and the grief took me out for a year. I had to preach to myself day & night for a year...constantly saying "I feel like I'm drowning"...and when praying for energy and trusting God to give it...I got a burst of Holy Spirit energy last month for the first time in a long time. I haven't listened to the podcast yet, but I relate to you and your podcast with Nick about dreaming again was very helpful for me last year...but I wasn't able to really dream again for 6 more months. We know suffering brings us closer to Christ, but sometimes it's hard to walk through. In those moments I know it's the years of "training for righteousness" that pays off. God speaks to us & is near to the broken hearted, even when we are too consumed in our pain to feel Him. So grateful you have continued to share openly during this hard season. It has been life giving to me. Thank you!